Not Exactly France
by Follow-The-Firefly
Summary: Red Vs Blue. In which Tucker, Church and Tex attempt to explain to Caboose that Blood Gulch is not France. Rated T for Teen. ONESHOT


**Disclaimer: If I owned RVB, I'd have to be pretty insane. **

**Yo! Zephyr here! And I'm updating from Ireland! I'm in Sligo right now and I should probably be working on my readings, but I'm watching the Doctor Who episodes I've missed and updating! Well, the Internet connection is pretty shotty right now, so the video is loading insanely slow. I'd probably be better off watching it when I get back to the States.**

**Anyway, I got this idea quite a while ago, but I didn't have time to write it until our day of yesterday. I wrote it on my friend's Mac, which I have never used before, so I'm sorry if I made more mistakes than usual. I went through them a few times, but my brain is so scatter-brained right now, it's not even funny. I came up with this idea while I was reading the character bios on the DVDs. Apparently, Caboose believed that he was signing up for a foreign exchange program in southern France when he was really signing up for the UNSC. I've always wanted to write about the Blues telling him that he was completely wrong. That being said, on with the deadly tale!**

"Church, we need to talk."

Church looked up from his laptop and found Tucker standing in front of him, an annoyed expression on his face. The normally teal Spartan usually came to Church when he was annoyed by something, but Church got the feeling that it was a bit more serious this time around.

"What's going on, Tucker?" Church closed out of his game of Runescape and set the laptop next to him on the couch.

"It's about Caboose." Tucker began.

"What's he done this time?" Church tried to ask as patiently as he possibly could. "Don't tell me that he's started doing that naked rain dance on the top of the base again. I think he scarred Simmons for life with that."

"He still doesn't know that he's in the Army." Tucker crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Seriously?" Church raised an eyebrow.

"He still thinks he's an exchange student in southern France." Tucker said in complete seriousness.

"So the college bit must be true, then." Church said with a sigh.

"What are we going to do about him, Church?" Tucker asked. "He keeps telling me that he has a ton of term papers to work on."

"How the hell did he get that idea?" Church frowned.

"It's Caboose." Tucker said. "Do you really need to ask?"

At that moment, Caboose walked into the rec room, carrying several large textbooks in his arms.

"What are you doing, Caboose?" Church asked as he pulled out a cigarette.

"I'm going to start my paper about analyzing post-apocalyptic societies in literature." Caboose responded.

Tucker and Church stared at each other. What in the world was Caboose thinking? Was he really dumb enough to believe that the Blue base in the infamous boxed canyon known as Blood Gulch was really a college in France?

"Um, Caboose, do you actually know anything about post-apocalyptic societies?" Tucker wondered.

"Only what I've read in books." Caboose responded. "I need to read about five more before I can actually start my paper."

"And how did you know you have this assignment?" Church asked before he took a drag on his cigarette.

"My teacher gave it to me a month ago." Caboose replied. "I've been procrastinating."

"I see…" Tucker said slowly. "And what class is this for?"

"My class on contemporary fiction." Caboose nodded.

"Okay…" Church was clearly trying not to think about what was happening in front of him.

"I've got to get started." Caboose said as he started to walk towards his bedroom door. "It's due in about three hours and I have a lot of writing to do."

"Okay, good luck with that." Tucker said as Caboose vanished from sight.

"He really believes he's in college." Church said slowly.

"But he didn't say anything about being in France, though." Tucker pointed out as he sat down on the recliner.

At that moment, Tex walked in saying, "What's up with Caboose? He just asked me if I'd heard about some chick named Louise got back to Paris."

"And there it is." Church said before he turned to Tex and said, "Apparently Caboose thinks that Blood Gulch is a college in southern France."

"Why the fuck would he think that?" Tex frowned.

"Because he's a fucking moron." Tucker reached over and turned on the GameCube before he grabbed the controller.

"We need to do something about this." Church took another drag on his cigarette. "This is going to go out of control quickly if we don't stop him."

"Like the time when he started duct-taping the walls because Grif told him that cockroaches could eat through the concrete?" Tucker's eyes were on the TV as he played _Metroid Prime 2._

"That's because Grif is a dumb-ass." Church rolled his eyes. "I don't even know how Caboose came to the conclusion of using duct tape, anyway."

"He just found Tex's duct tape in the basement and decided to use it." Tucker shrugged.

"I was wondering where that went…" Tex said slowly. "Anyway, how about we have an intervention with him? Does that work?"

"It's going to have to." Church said. "He can't keep thinking that this is France. Blood Gulch isn't that fancy."

* * *

Tucker was working on finishing the spaghetti when Tex walked into the kitchen for dinner.

"You'd better be making cheesy garlic bread with that." she said.

"I never know what kind of cheese you want on it!" Tucker exclaimed as he grabbed the strainer from under the sink and walked back to the boiling pot of noodles. "Make it yourself."

"How is cheddar and mozzarella so hard to remember?" Tex rolled her eyes and walked to the fridge for the cheese.

"So when are we going to tell Caboose about Blood Gulch?" Tucker asked as he poured the spaghetti into the strainer over the sink.

"I was thinking at dinner." Tex shrugged as she pulled the pan of garlic bread out of the toaster and covered her piece with cheese.

"Does Church know about this?" Tucker asked as he set the pasta back on the burner of the stove.

"Know about what?" Church asked as he walked into the room. "And did you manage to make dinner without burning it this time, Tucker?"

"Of course I did, dumb-ass." Tucker scowled at Church. "And we're talking about telling Caboose at dinner."

"Sounds like a plan to me." Church said as he grabbed napkins and the other kitchen implements before he dispersed them around the table.

"Is dinner ready yet?" Caboose asked as he walked into the room.

"You always have good timing for dinner, you know that?" Tucker said as everyone grabbed a plate and started to grab some pasta from the stove.

"That's because I'm always hungry." Caboose nodded.

"Which I can't see how, seeing as you eat more than Tucker does." Tex said.

"That's only when I'm really hungry." Caboose said as everyone sat down at the table with a plate of pasta and a piece of garlic bread in front of them.

"Yeah, Caboose?" Church said. "We've got something to tell you, buddy."

"Oh no, did my Mom die again?" Caboose completely jumped to the wrong conclusion.

"No no one died." Tucker said as he twirled some pasta around his fork.

"Oh, good." Caboose breathed a sigh of relief.

"It's about this college thing." Tex said.

"Caboose, you aren't in college in southern France." Church said. "This is Blood Gulch and you're in the Army.

"That's just silly." Caboose said with a smile. "I'm just on vacation! I have classes next week!"

"But you just said that you had papers due-" Tucker tried to say.

"And I have to meet with Kevin and Ryan to go over my presentation notes for chemistry tomorrow." Caboose said before he ate a spoonful of pasta.

"But you're not in college!" Tex exclaimed. "You're in the UNSC in Blood Gulch!"

"No, I'm in France for a foreign exchange program." Caboose replied. "Mom said that this was a good chance for me to brush up on some of my French."

"But you're not in France!" Tex yelled.

"You think we should let them go at it?" Tucker asked Church as Tex and Caboose continued to argue about this issue at hand.

"Ah, let them fight." Church shrugged as he took a bite of garlic bread. "There's no point stopping them now."

**I know it's a weird ending. Then again, I say that about just about everything I write, don't I? So that's it for a little while! I'm working on handwriting a oneshot for Hotel Dusk: Room 215, which I hope will be out soon. Knowing me, it won't ever get finished, but whatever. Thanks for reading! Reviews equal love.**


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